Around 6 years ago I found myself in what I thought was the dream relationship. I thought I had met the one. I thought, ok it’s moving quickly but maybe that is just how it is supposed to happen.
He was 6ft 4, tall, dark, handsome and he did everything he could to win me over and offered me everything I thought I ever wanted.
Little did I know, I was getting into a relationship with a narcissist. If I knew then what I know now, I would have spotted the signs. The love bombing, trying to move fast, telling me everything he thought I wanted to hear. Before I knew it, we had bought our first property together – in the process of waiting for our first home to be ready – things began to unravel.
I remember he went on a lad’s holiday and the whole time I couldn’t focus; I was on edge, I just knew something wasn’t right but I ignored it. I thought it was my own self-doubts creeping out, but then I had NEVER had trust issues before then, so why now? I had that gut feeling that I ignored for so long and just kept pushing the thoughts to the back of my mind, because when I was with him, it was like a massive high. The excitement I got when I was thinking about being reunited with him kept me going. Little did I know, this was my body communicating warning signs.
You know when you are younger, and you get "butterflies" about someone. You think it's a really positive thing and that you've met someone you really like. When in reality, it's fear, it's your body communicating with you to avoid, run and remove yourself from the situation. It's our fear crying out to us that something just isn't right.
My whole happiness depended on him. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had ended up in a co-dependant relationship with a narcissist.
Now, everyone's experience of a narcissistic relationship is different - in some ways. But their behaviours are all pretty much the same. In my experience, I uncovered messages to another girl. At the time, I thought that it was just one girl (years later I would discover there were 1000's of girls)
This was when everything began to unravel. I can't explain how slowly it happens but also in other ways, how quick it all changes. One minute you think you have met the one then the next thing, the rug gets pulled from underneath you. But by that time, you are so invested.
It wasn't as simple to just up and leave – I was too deep. We had put a deposit down on our first home, I was integrated in his life, and he was in mine. My whole family loved him.
But ultimately, I was in love with a narcissist but didn’t know it yet.
What followed was an unbelievable amount of toxic behaviour, lies, deceit, hurt & pain.
If you are reading this and have been in a relationship with a narcissist, then you will know exactly what I mean. It is gut wrenching. You live like you are walking on eggshells, always expecting the worst.
I am going to be sharing this story. Not for me, but for anyone else who is currently going through this right now.
I am sharing this story to help build awareness of the narcissist.
The traits, the behaviour, the signs.
Everything you need to look out for when dating & in relationships.
I am also sharing this story to let you know that life can begin at the end of a relationship with a narcissist.
Wherever you are on your path, I want you to know that life can be amazing, that you do deserve a happy, healthy relationship and that ultimately their behaviour is a reflection of them, NOT a reflection of you.
You are love, you are light, and you do deserve the relationship you desire.
Love & light, Tash x